It started today when I saw an article responding to the feeling that someone else's calling was better than one's own. I don't really feel that way, but in skimming it, I found a few thoughts that were not new to me, but ones I needed to hear: "You are on a long journey of working toward where you are going. Have patience," and "The process is just as important as the destination. What you are learning now is important for where you are going." These are things that I understand. But it's still hard.
After reading those words I kept going on with my day, but they kept swirling around in the back of my head, causing more of a distraction than I thought they actually should have. I didn't have time to consider them, so I tried to file them away for later contemplation, but I couldn't stuff them away with enough force to keep them suppressed.
At the end of my work day, I headed to Bible study at my church where we discussed Joseph (one of my favorites!), who many of us know as the King of Dreams. (If you don't know it, read Genesis 37-47.) The topic of the teaching was--you guessed it--dreams. Not like Joseph's literal dreams he had when he was sleeping, but more like the aspirations, the goals we have for life. Kind of like my calling. As I kept listening, I realized there was a connection to the thoughts that earlier had bounced around in my head and the feelings that accompanied them--discontent, eagerness, frustration, wonder, excitement.
Like Joseph I have dreams. I have a place in life I want to go, a community I want to be a part of, a Church I want to build, a neighborhood I want to love, a society I want to change, relationships I want to see healed.
But I'm not there yet. I'm still learning, still growing. But I have so much vision, so much ambition, so much to pursue, that sometimes it hurts. I'm not there yet; there's a process of getting there. And I'm burdened by the process, but I know that it will it will make me a better leader one day to go through this process now.
While I'm in this formation process, I find myself caught between gratitude and ambition. I appreciate so deeply what has been entrusted to me for this time. I write that with all sincerity. But is it wrong to want more? I want so badly to be there--where I'm going--now.
And I fear my ambition, my longing, sometimes shows itself as ingratitude. Am I just as unruly as young, foolish Joseph proclaiming his prophetic dream that all--including his superiors--would one day bow down to him? Is it wrong to see myself as someone who will one day have influence and be a part of something where God is moving mightily? I don't equate my dreams with Joseph's (i.e. I don't see people bowing down to me...), but I do feel like one day I will be among the leaders of something incredible. And I don't want to feel bad for having that dream. But should I?
I live in this tension. I have amazing opportunities and I'm taking full advantage of them. I see how they build toward where I feel like God has called me. But it's hard to sense that calling and not be there--where I'm going--yet. And it's hard to feel like one day I'll have more responsibility and not yet have it. So yes, "The process is just as important as the destination," is good for me to hear. But it is really hard to hear. And I'm not finding it helpful. So what is helpful?
Knowing that where I am has just as much value as where I'm going. And its value isn't based on the value of where I'm going. Wherever I'm going (and honestly, I really don't know where that is) may be incredible beyond imagination, but that's not what gives my present location value. God has me here now, and later I'll be there. This is not just a process preparing me for when I'm there. I am here. So why wouldn't I fully engage with it? This brings me peace.
If you're interested, here's the link to the article I read. The "quotes" above are actually paraphrases.
After reading those words I kept going on with my day, but they kept swirling around in the back of my head, causing more of a distraction than I thought they actually should have. I didn't have time to consider them, so I tried to file them away for later contemplation, but I couldn't stuff them away with enough force to keep them suppressed.
At the end of my work day, I headed to Bible study at my church where we discussed Joseph (one of my favorites!), who many of us know as the King of Dreams. (If you don't know it, read Genesis 37-47.) The topic of the teaching was--you guessed it--dreams. Not like Joseph's literal dreams he had when he was sleeping, but more like the aspirations, the goals we have for life. Kind of like my calling. As I kept listening, I realized there was a connection to the thoughts that earlier had bounced around in my head and the feelings that accompanied them--discontent, eagerness, frustration, wonder, excitement.
Like Joseph I have dreams. I have a place in life I want to go, a community I want to be a part of, a Church I want to build, a neighborhood I want to love, a society I want to change, relationships I want to see healed.
But I'm not there yet. I'm still learning, still growing. But I have so much vision, so much ambition, so much to pursue, that sometimes it hurts. I'm not there yet; there's a process of getting there. And I'm burdened by the process, but I know that it will it will make me a better leader one day to go through this process now.
While I'm in this formation process, I find myself caught between gratitude and ambition. I appreciate so deeply what has been entrusted to me for this time. I write that with all sincerity. But is it wrong to want more? I want so badly to be there--where I'm going--now.
And I fear my ambition, my longing, sometimes shows itself as ingratitude. Am I just as unruly as young, foolish Joseph proclaiming his prophetic dream that all--including his superiors--would one day bow down to him? Is it wrong to see myself as someone who will one day have influence and be a part of something where God is moving mightily? I don't equate my dreams with Joseph's (i.e. I don't see people bowing down to me...), but I do feel like one day I will be among the leaders of something incredible. And I don't want to feel bad for having that dream. But should I?
I live in this tension. I have amazing opportunities and I'm taking full advantage of them. I see how they build toward where I feel like God has called me. But it's hard to sense that calling and not be there--where I'm going--yet. And it's hard to feel like one day I'll have more responsibility and not yet have it. So yes, "The process is just as important as the destination," is good for me to hear. But it is really hard to hear. And I'm not finding it helpful. So what is helpful?
Knowing that where I am has just as much value as where I'm going. And its value isn't based on the value of where I'm going. Wherever I'm going (and honestly, I really don't know where that is) may be incredible beyond imagination, but that's not what gives my present location value. God has me here now, and later I'll be there. This is not just a process preparing me for when I'm there. I am here. So why wouldn't I fully engage with it? This brings me peace.
If you're interested, here's the link to the article I read. The "quotes" above are actually paraphrases.
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